The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.....

I love Christmas!  It's even better now that Daniel is with us.  We have been busy getting ready and this weekend we got to do some fun Christmas things.  Here's some photos :)

Friday night we went and visited Santa with some good friends and Grandma and Grandpa.

Standing in line with our  good friends Jessica and Madison. 

Daniel with Santa- He's not sure what to think.

Daniel and I at Dinner after visiting Santa.

 

 

Saturday night we went to Zoo Lights with the same friends and Grandma and Grandpa (still weird to me to be calling my folks Grandma and Grandpa).

All bundled up!

I can't get over how cute he is :) (I'm not biased or anything).

Pretty lights!

Jess A and Jess 1 as my parents call us.

Boobie Envy

I've been back at work about 6 weeks now.  Things have sort of settled into a routine and I'm mostly used to everything.  I've been pumping at work so I can keep up the breastfeeding.  I have come to love the time with Daniel and I'm proud that I'm doing it.  I haven't been able to pump everything he needs to eat so we supplement with formula for the rest.  We went to the pediatrician on Friday for his four month appointment.  The pediatrician showed some concern about his weight gain...apparently he's too skinny for his height.  She wanted us to start adding some formula powder to my pumped breast-milk to give him at daycare. I took the information and walked away with it sitting on my mind and on my heart.  Something didn't feel right.  Again I started beating myself up....all this work and it's still not good enough. 

I have been spending a lot of time pumping at work.  Fortunately there's an extra office where I can go and lock the door.  I've only been walked in on once so I guess that's ok :)  Since I've been back the amount I've been pumping has steadily dropped off.  I was pumping like 12 oz when I came back each day and now it's more like 8 if things go well but there's always something going on.  Yesterday I forgot my bra that holds the pump in place so I can do other things so I had to sit there and hold it- not entertaining!  Plus they needed the office in the afternoon for an auditor.  So I got 5 oz.....Daniel drank 15 yesterday so I had to send 2 bottles of formula along with my piddly 5 oz of breastmilk.  I've been really discouraged, but at the same time I'm not ready to give up.  So I keep pumping.....

I'm finding myself being incredibly envious of my friends and their ability to pump or nurse enough or even have extra so they can freeze it. I feel like I'm having to jump through a million hoops just to feed this kid.  I love him more than anything and it really irks me that despite doing everything right, it's still not working for me!  Not only that but my kid is skinny!  I'm trying one last thing- a medication that's supposed to help increase breast-milk supply.  This was a suggestion from my Dr. who I also saw Friday.  It does have the side effect of causing depression so Jesse and I are going to be watching very closely to make sure I don't slip into a funk.  I'm praying it works but I'm not sure I want to or can keep breastfeeding if this doesn't work.   So I'm just going to say it...I have Boobie Envy....I want to be able to make more milk.

So here's a funny- just because I'm not sure what to do but laugh at this point.....

If someone had asked me......

Ok so some posts are sentimental and emotional but this probably won't be one of them :)  If a year and a half ago someone had told me I'd be leaving my desk at work every two to three hours to go to another office, take off my shirt and attach a rather angry sounding machine too my boobs I'd have thought they were nuts! Furthermore to be doing this every day for five days a week and being totally concerned about the output from my boobs, enough so that I break into tears at random, try multiple different supplements and am basically dreaming of overflowing bottles.....I have officially gone crazy. 

So in case you haven't guessed Breastfeeding and returning to work have been a challenge.  I would rather do just about anything but pump but I don't want to give up on it just quite yet.  Like any parent I really want the very best for Daniel but I'm growing tired of not feeling like I'm good enough on a daily basis.  My husband is trying to convince me that my milk output has nothing to do with the quality of mother that I am but I'm struggling pretty hard with that because it is about the only thing I can do for him while I'm at work and I'm frustrated that it's not going well.  At what point do I give up the ghost- I'm struggling with it because I don't want to give up the morning feedings and evening feedings where I feel like I'm really connected to him.  I'm not sure it would really bug him either way as long as I held him each day but up until now it's been something that I and I alone could do and it made me feel special.

Just some thoughts rolling around in my head as I listen to the pump a.k.a. "The Angry Duck".

Diary of a Working Mom- Made it to the weekend!

Hallelujah! I made it to the weekend and through the first week!  I can not believe how much running I had to do this week just to keep up and I'm still going!  First I have to say that things worked out very well.  Daniel's new babysitter is great and he was well cared for while I was gone.  I'm tired though.  I felt like I never sat down all week and my head hit the pillow each night like a ton of bricks.  I'm having to get started again by working on things this weekend to get ready.  As we speak at 6:47 am I have my first load of laundry going....6:47 am on Saturday to do laundry (after feeding the baby!) I must be nuts but I need to get started now or it won't get done.  I guess that's my new mantra- start now or it won't get done.  Ah how things have changed!  At least I get to look at Daniel's sweet face and know that he's why we're doing it.  The smile wins me over every time.   Ok, back to my "Housekeeper" hat, hopefully sometime soon I get to the wear the "Couch Potato" hat because I need to sit!

Diary of a Working Mother

Well the day finally came on Monday that I've been dreading since I had Daniel.  Back to work for me.  I'm going to make a couple of observations which I'm sure to any working mom are obvious.

• Getting out of the house in the morning is a process that starts as soon as I walk in the door the night before.  It is consumed with packing lunches while cooking dinner, washing bottles and pump parts, readying milk for daycare the next day and actually paying attention to my son.  I walk out the door with no less than three bags full of stuff plus the car seat (oh yeah, and the baby :) ) each morning.....I remember when I used to leave with my name tag and my purse.
• Tired is the new normal.  I was just starting to get used to the 6-7 hours sleep that Daniel was giving me each night.  I would hit the pillow pretty much when he did and I was good to go.  I can't do that anymore.  He goes to sleep and I have a good hour of prep work, plus I'm getting up earlier than Daniel so I can shower before I feed him- 7 hours just went to 5 and if he wakes up in the night....less.
• My house will never again be what I consider clean- only "just not that dirty".  
• Work is a lot less exciting than looking at smiles and anticipating the next poop.
• I miss the friends I made while I was on maternity leave.  Daniel somehow broke lose the extrovert that was hiding in me before I got pregnant.  It seems that babies help break down walls and makes people vulnerable enough to be real with each other.  I like it and I'm hoping some how I'll be able to keep up the friendships.
• There's a huge mind shift between work and home and then vice versa.  I was having an incredibly difficult time yesterday being able to shift my gears enough to remember what my job actually entails....good thing I made a bunch of lists before I left.
• I need to remember to be nicer to my husband and slow down.  Poor guy doesn't move at the same pace I do and doesn't really understand when I'm snippy because I'm behind schedule.  (Again with the mind shift).

Anyway that's it for now :)  Only 6 more hours until pickup from daycare.....not that I'm counting.

Bringing Sexy Back- or at least what that looks like now :)

So Jesse and I have been talking for weeks that we need to get back on track with the weight loss we had going before we got pregnant.  I have one week of maternity leave left so with that I thought it would be good to start while I was still at home and could work things out about how I would need to be after I headed back to work.  So, knowing that I still had weeks that I'd paid for at SlimGenics I went in today and got going with them.  I weighed in at 198lbs...which is 21 lbs above my low last year.  It's still less than what I started trying to lose at but it's much more than I'd hoped I'd be.  I'm excited to know that it's possible for me to lose this weight and get down to a size that I'm proud to be.  Knowing that I will lose it before Daniel is mobile makes me happy because I want to be able to get down on the floor with him without cursing every ounce of fat that I'm carrying.  Jesse is going to do this plan with me this time around.  I'm excited for that because we can eat together and start feeling a sense of accomplishment.  So for now I get to feel a little bit dissatisfied with my body but that's ok because it will spur me on and I'll be able to get to my goal of 145lbs :)

Thankful Thursday- Mommyhood

Well here it is Thursday again!  The weeks have just been flying  by and I've not been great about updating my blog.  I'm not feeling that bad abut it though because I have the sweetest little boy that makes me smile :)

The last few weeks have been great as a mom. We are finally hitting a stride of all the things that people told me were going to be so fun.  Some of the fun things that happened in the last two weeks that made me so incredibly thankful to be Daniels mom are:

• He started smiling a lot :)
• He's cooing and generally communicating with us with more than just a scream.
• He's sleeping through the night now (10 pm to 5 or 6 when Jesse gets up for work).
• He's healthy :)- We had a little scare with the bilirubin levels not coming down and having to go to Children's Hospital to see a specialist.  It ended up working out fine and he's doing great :)
• I'm thankful I've had the last 3 months at home with him.  I'm sad that I have to go back to work the week after next but I know he's going to do well and I will adjust.

Mommyhood- Week 7

Well I'm stealing a minute to update my blog- or at least I'm trying to while the baby takes a morning nap.  I'm hoping I have enough time to do this and grab a shower, but I'm sure every mother out there knows what I'm talking about.  There is a surprising lack of time to do anything that I want to and everything goes toward Daniel...not that I mind, I just didn't anticipate the immense draw of my time.  This week he has woken up even more.  He's spending longer and longer periods awake and I'm not exactly sure what to do with him when he is awake :).  I'm new at this baby stuff.  So far the mobiles on his crib and play pen work great to keep him entertained except that he could watch them for hours and the little crank on them only goes for about 90 seconds at the most.  I ordered a battery operated mobile which should arrive sometime this week.  I also ordered a play mat that seems like it will help...same idea as the mobile with toys for him to watch and grab at.   Just curious though, what do you do with a baby to keep him entertained??  Thankfully today we are going to New Mommies Network at the hospital and then maybe out to lunch but I have a whole lot of the week to fill and not a whole lot of ideas. 

I decided that this blog was starting to sound like all the reasons I hate being a mom and that's not it at all so I'm going to think of at least 2 things each week that make me happy about being Daniels Mom.

1- He totally misses me when I'm gone :)  I can tell because he calms down for me and looks right at my face when I return :)
2- He makes me laugh- I was burping him and I could hear him sucking on his arm.  When I pulled him down and looked at his arm- the little stinker had given himself a hickey on his arm! Good thing I don't have to explain that one.  Only my kid would suck so hard on his arm that he gave himself a hickey!

Mommyhood 6 weeks In

Wow!  I am in trouble if the next 18 years go as fast as the last 6 weeks.  Daniel will be 6 weeks old tomorrow.  Mostly I'm really tired!  Where I thought I'd lucked out with baby that was sleeping 4 hours each night has turned into something far different.  We went through a phase at the beginning of this week where all the little guy wanted was to be held and rocked and wouldn't let me put him in his cradle to go to sleep unless he was deep asleep.   This about sent me over the edge and resulted in me being rather mean and starting a fight with my husband at 4 am on Tuesday morning....bleh!  We seem to be moving past it but I'm starting to realize that I may have a bigger problem than him needing to be held- he's hungry all the time and I'm not sure that I can keep up.  I've been pumping and feeding the little guy and taking Fenugreek and everything else I can think to do to keep my milk supply up and I feel like I can barely keep ahead of him.  I'm hoping that getting more consistent about pumping will help me catch back up but I'm starting to worry that we're headed down the path of needing to supplement with formula.  I know that worrying won't change my situation but I guess I was just hoping for some certainty somewhere- I've yet t find it!

On a different note this week was also a good week despite all the things that were happening with Daniel keeping me awake all night and my milk supply being uncertain.  Jesse's mother came to stay with us for the week.  I have to say I was a little bit nervous to have her come.  I hadn't really gotten to spend much time with her before now and I didn't really know her.  She turned out to be a wonderful house guest and a great mother-in-law!  We sat and had many long talks, she offered encouragement on some of the rougher days I've had so far as a mommy and she helped me learn about my husband and in turn about my son :).  I was really sad to see her go when we dropped her off at the airport this afternoon. 

We also had my aunt and uncle come through to visit this week.  My Dad's brother Steve and his wife Martha were on a long motor home trip from California and around the west.  It was good to see them.  I'm hoping it's not such a long time until our next visit. 

Daniel is doing pretty well.  He keeps me on my toes by changing the schedule a little every day.  I'm starting to learn some coping strategies and so that's good.  I am learning every day that I'm not in control of things anymore.  He's starting to stay awake more and more of the day.  He's also starting to track things with his eyes. The mobile over the play pen in the living room has become one of his favorites.  He can track the little bears with his eyes and he moves his arms and legs all over the place :) I did find out this week that Jesse's eyes turned from blue to brown at about 9 months so that could change for Daniel too.


Well that's about the long and the short of my week :)  I'm taking things one day at a time and hoping that it gets easier soon.  

Processing things- the C-Section

So between the breast feeding and the pumping I've had a lot of time to sit and process my thoughts/feelings over the last few weeks.  Having a C-section was the very last thing that I wanted as I headed into this experience.  I had read and thought and really pumped up my fears related to a C-section.  It was the very last thing I wanted!  I have been having some feelings that I just need to process and talk about so here goes.

• I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of failure.  How could I not do what my body was made to do?  I was supposed to be able to deliver a baby vaginally.  It was what we had gone to class for and prepared for.  Instead it seems like I took the "easy way out".  It seems irrational I know- as major surgery surely isn't easy.  I feel like maybe I did something wrong though.  Was the decision to induce wrong?  Did I eat something wrong, not exercise enough?  Why did I end up how I did?

• I'm feeling sad that I'll probably never get a chance to have a vaginal birth.  From what I understand once you have a C-section, you always have to have C-sections because of the risk of bleeding from the scar tissue in the uterus.  I feel like I lost something I was really looking forward to.  Not to mention it comes across like a badge of honor having been through a vaginal birth.  You hear women talk abut their experiences like it's a weight lifting contest- "I had a 9 lb baby and did it with no epidural, I pushed for 10 hours"....Really?  I am starting to realize that the badge of honor should come from how you raise the child to adulthood, not how your particular physiology got the baby here.  It does take a lot of work to grow a child in your womb and give birth (even by C-section).  What really matters is what kind of mother you are for the long haul.

• I'm feeling a bit like I might be judged for making the decisions I did.  There's lots of folks out there with plenty to say about induction, C-sections, breastfeeding etc. As close to the birth as the night we checked into the hospital, I had someone send me an article about how induction isn't always necessary and it leads to higher C-section rates.  The fact of the matter is, I induced because I was miserable and fluid overloaded.  My knees, back, emotions, etc couldn't handle being pregnant anymore.  I let him stay in me for 41 weeks.  I wanted to see him and be done with being pregnant.  I didn't choose to have surgery but given that his head was larger than average, I don't have a larger pelvis than average and that his cord was wrapped around his mid-section and neck, I did what was best for us both.  

• The last thing that I've been processing through is that I'm very sad I wasn't the first one to hold Daniel.  There's something about being the first person to hold him and talk to him that I wanted more than anything.  I had carried him with me for 41 weeks, been scared at times and amazed at times at what was happening to me and to him.  I didn't get that with the C-section (it wasn't possible).  I'm glad that Jesse was the only one that held him before me if I couldn't be there but I'm grieving that experience a little bit.   I'm hoping over time it will heal but at this point I'm so said that I wasn't the first.

Well I'm sure if you made it to the end of this post your probably either nodding your head because you might understand what I'm saying or you think I'm nuts.  I just needed to get it on "paper" so I could deal with it.  I'm hoping that over time some of these things won't make me sad/upset/angry but I needed to figure out a way to deal with it.

Daniel's Birth Story- Part II

So continuing on from the last post.....

Overnight I had another dose of the Cervadil and they monitored me off and on every two hours, so it wasn't exactly restful.   The nurse did take pity on me and offered me some crackers, peanut butter and apple juice.  I was thankful to have it because I thought I was in for a really long day and I couldn't imagine how hungry I was going to be (given that I was already hungry just from being there overnight).

I woke Jesse up at about 5 am to watch the sunrise with me (did I mention the room had an amazing view of the mountains?)  We hung out together for a while.  Contractions were starting to get stronger but they weren't unbearable.  We started a game of cribbage (which I was re-teaching Jesse how to play after not playing it for a long time- because I'm a bad loser ;) ).  We were also listening to some music. We had a Pandora station going on the Iphones that was soundtrack music.  At one point Jesse had the march from Star Wars playing and was making jokes about having them play that as they were moving us from the Delivery Room to recovery- gotta love my husband's sense of humor.  My parents got there

Right in the middle of the game the Nurse shift change happened at 7 am. Our new nurse was named Sara.  She was a very nice lady (seemed really young) but she did a great job.  We were sitting there and the contractions starting getting more intense and closer together.  I couldn't concentrate on the cribbage game anymore.  All the sudden I had to throw up and I was regretting those crackers and peanut butter.  Jesse was great- he held my hair and got me a cool rag to put on my neck.  At that point I was contemplating the Epidural because it was just so painful!  When I threw up again I told the nurse that I wanted the Epidural!  She called the Anesthesiologist and while we were waiting she checked me.  I was at 5 cm- so there was progress being made :)  I was excited about that but hoping the Epidural would make things a little more bearable.  While all this was going on I kept feeling like my water had broken (like maybe a little trickle of something).  I got up to go to the bathroom and there was some pinkish fluid.  When the nurse checked it hadn't broken.  When the Anesthesiologist got there I threw up again- bleh!  He got the consent ready for me to sign (I hate to say this but I didn't read it before I signed- that makes me crazy!)  After that we needed to get me positioned to have the Epidural put in.  I stood up and my water broke all over the floor, the nurse's shoes, pants etc....It was way more fluid than I would have imagined!  It took a lot of towels to mop up- Ew!  It made me glad it happened there though and not in my car or at work like I was afraid of.  The one towel I had on the seat of my car wouldn't have cut it :)   After that Epidural went in and things were better almost immediately.

After all of  that I was relegated to the bed and they had to put in a catheter- not a pleasant experience....but necessary I suppose.  The contractions were getting harder and closer together.  The nurse started acting concerned because they were so strong and so close together.  The Dr had changed over night now to a man as well.  He seemed nice enough although generally I prefer to have women Drs.  At this point the contractions were really strong and the Epidural wasn't getting all of the pain anymore- I had one muscle in my back that hurt a lot!  Jesse rubbed my back and held my hand, but I was still in a lot of pain.  The Anesthesiologist came back a couple of times to adjust the medication but it still didn't cut it.

The other Dr sudden came into the room and was watching the monitors really closely.  The decided they needed to put in an internal monitor for both me and Daniel.  After the monitor went in they were able to get a better read on how strong the contractions actually were and how Daniel was tolerating everything.  After monitring for a little while they noticed that the contractions were making Daniel's heart rate decrease- ALOT  and they weren't giving him much time in between to recover.  After that they decided they would put back some of the fluid I had lost (Saline) back into my Uterus to give him a little bit of cushion to tolerate the contractions better.  After a few minutes of monitoring after that, Daniel's heart rate was still decreasing to almost below 60 with each contraction.  The Dr. looked at me and said that we should start discussing the possibility of a C-section.  Although it scared me and it wasn't what I had wanted I thought we needed to do it, just because it was becoming really scary.  They went ahead and had me sign consents for everything- again no chance to read anything and that drives me nuts but what could I do?

In the next several minutes they had Jesse putting on scrubs and they were doing a lot of stuff to get me transfered to the operating room.  Kathy (my Step-Mom) held my hand the whole time.  I was starting to cry because I was so scared....I didn't want surgery- this wasn't what I wanted...but I couldn't see another choice.  They rolled me out of the room and all I could think was where is Jesse?  Why am I going down the hall without Jesse?

We went into the Operating room and they transferred me to the table- which was a really strange sensation.  I had never been in the hospital before and now I was going to have major surgery!  I was really nervous.   When they finally got everything started Jesse was allowed to come into the room and sit on a stool next to me.  He had his phone with him and he showed me pictures of our pets and talked to me.  I was so glad he was there.

Then sudden we heard the most beautiful sound- Daniel's cry :)  I started crying and Jesse started crying....he was here finally!  Jesse went over to the warming table and was with him.  I couldn't see very well what was happening because the drape was in the way.  Somewhere in there Jesse left with the baby when they took him to the other room and cleaned him up.

The Anthesiologist told me I should try and get some sleep while they finished up the surgery.  He made a joke that I probably wouldn't be getting much sleep for the next 4 or 5 years so I should enjoy this little nap :)  He was a pretty nice guy and it made the waiting and uncertainty a little easier.   They finally finsihed the surgery and moved me over to a bed.  That was a little uncomfortable because I had no feeling but felt like I was going to fall.....very weird.

I was in recovery and finally got to hold Daniel and see Jesse again.  It was a perfect time.  We tried breast feeding and Daniel did ok with it.  I remember it being so peaceful which made me happy.

Anyway, that's my story.  Here's some pictures.  We were in the hospital until Wednesday and then went home....there will be plenty of posts to follow and hopefully they won't take me nearly as long to get up as this one :)

Daniel's Birth Story- Part I

Well he's here!  Daniel Ellis Keene was born June 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm.  He was 8 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches long.  He's perfect!  He got a lot of Jesse's mannerism and his checks.  He's got my nose. And of all things Blue eyes! (Jesse and I have brown eyes so we're not sure where they came from).  I know it's been more than a week but I've been recovering from a C-section and trying to get used to being Daniel's Mom (still makes me grin every time I say it :) ).  I wanted to get his birth story down some place he could read it down the road :), so here we go.

As you can see from earlier posts I was about a week overdue (40 weeks and 3 days).  I was extremely uncomfortable and ready to be done being pregnant.  In previous Dr visits I had been 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced and so I was hopeful that the visit on the Tuesday after my due date that I would have made some more progress.  Jesse and I went to the appointment in the afternoon and I saw a Dr I hadn't seen before.  When she checked me again nothing had changed.  I sat up from the exam and started bawling!  How could this be!  I had been contracting a little bit at home and I resembled a whale!  I couldn't possibly be pregnant longer!  The Dr felt really bad for me, I think and told me I wouldn't be pregnant very much longer.  I was still pretty upset but at least we could do something about it.  We did some additional testing in the Dr's office to make sure he was moving well and had plenty of fluid around him.  Everything checked out ok so the Dr came back with an appointment for us at the hospital to check in Saturday evening to be induced.   We walked away feeling very relieved Knowing this was going to be over soon and knowing we had a date we would meet our son was the best feeling! I had been working from home the past week and a half and was excited that I finally had an end to that as well.  Although people meant well it was frustrating to keep having folks ask every time I logged on if we had a baby yet.  Umm....if I had had the baby would I really be logged in?

So Saturday we made the best of our last day before we became parents.  We slept in a little bit.  We had a good breakfast (Eggs, Bacon, the works :) ).  Then we went out to a movie.  Jesse and I enjoy going to movies and wanted to make sure we did that one last time before we had this new person to take care of.  We saw bridesmaids (which was a pretty raunchy comedy) and it was fun :)  We came home after that and then I rested for a while.  My friends had all told me that I should sleep as much as possible because I was going to be really tired after we were all said and done.  Jesse made his spaghetti for dinner which was excellent :) and we ate together and really enjoyed the last little while as a family of two.

After we were done with dinner we each got a shower and organized the rest of the stuff we needed to take with us to the hospital.  I totally overpacked but that's my nature- I just didn't want to be without something I might need or want when I was stressed out.  We spent some time with the dog in the backyard and made sure all the animals had what they needed for at least overnight.  We got everything loaded in the car and got ready to go.  We stopped at Starbucks (for Jesse) on our way out.  The woman at the drive-through was really nice.  She asked us what we were up to and we told her that we were on our way to the hospital to have a baby :)  At first she was a little confused but when we explained we were going to be induced.  She laughed and gave us a coupon for a free drink later on.  That was kind of fun :)  As we drove up to the hospital we reflected on how things were about to change.  We were going to be parents!

When we finally got to the hospital we went up to the third floor and got buzzed in (it's a locked unit for security) right on time for our 8 pm appointment.   The walk down the hall to Room #6 seemed like it took forever.  We were carrying all of our stuff and they got us all set up.  The room had a beautiful view of the mountains as the sun was setting.  I changed into the hospital gown and they started getting me set up.  They put in an IV which was new for me as I had never been in the hospital before.  I they had a little bit of trouble getting it started in my left arm (which was where I wanted them to put it).  The veins kept "clamping down" for them after they got through my skin.  I got a pretty ugly looking bruise on my left arm (which is still healing).  They also put me on a monitor that was looking at the baby's heart rate and my contractions.  Everything looked great.  The Dr. came in and gave us all the particulars about the medication I was going to get to and talk abut the risks of induction.  She did say that I had an increased risk of C-section but I guess that didn't register with me because I just wanted the baby to come...plus even if we had decided to wait there was no guarantee  that things would start well on their own in a time that would be good for the baby.
They checked my cervix (still only at 1 cm- no progress after three weeks!!) and administered Cervidil which was supposed to soften my cervix and hopefully get some good productive contractions going.
We settled in for the evening and watched a movie together and also got a little bit of sleep- although the nurse had to keep coming in and checking the monitor and giving medication and taking my vitals so it wasn't the most relaxing time I've ever had...but that's ok.

Ok- I think I'm going to break this post into a couple of parts because this is getting long- so more to come soon :)

The End is Near!

So we finally have an end date for this pregnancy :)  We went to the Dr this afternoon and I was still only 1 cm dilated at 40 weeks and 3 days.  I haven't been sleeping well and I'm very uncomfortable....I can hardly sit in my chair at home to work.  When the Dr told me I was only 1 cm dilated I sat up and started crying.  How could I be past my due date and only dilated 1 cm???  We had tried everything to get labor going: walking, mexican food, going for a ride on a bumpy road, being intimate with each other and a weird one my roomate told me abut squeezing my achilles tendon.  I was so frustrated that I didn't know what else to do.  She told me that I wouldn't be pregnant for very much longer and sent us to do some additional tests including an ultrasound to measure the fluid around the baby and a non-stress test to make sure that his heartbeat was ok.  Everything came out ok, so the Dr decided that we should induce labor on Saturday.  I'm totally relieved to have a date when I know this is going to come to an end.  I am excited to meet my son and start the time where Jesse and I can work on being parents together.  We are going to enjoy the next few nights together and Jesse is going to take Friday off work to relax before we start this ride.  The induction will start at 8 pm Saturday evening with some medication that's supposed to work overnight and then we'll see what happens from there.  So we decided to come up with a creative way to tell our friends on facebook.  Here's that and a picture of me from today- I can't believe how big I've gotten (I'm ready for this to be over!)

FSNI- I finally sewed something!

Well after a long drought for sewing I finally got it together and did something after I signed up to do FSNI.  Nothing like the pressure of needing to give a present to get you moving.  A friend of mine is having her baby shower today so I made her a nursing cover as part of the present.   I used this blog as my pattern and it turned out pretty good :)  Gotta love when you finally get time to do something you enjoy.

On the other side of things you probably noticed the countdown on the sidebar of my blog has finally reached 0....yup today is my due date.....no baby yet.  I've been cleaning like a made woman mostly because I've been working from home for the last week.  I got a burr in my saddle last week and finished all of the monthly reporting I would normally have to do during this time so I didn't have a lot to do.  It's been good because I feel more prepared around the house but bad because I don't much enjoy being alone.  It's lonely to be at home all day long and I'll be glad when Daniel finally gets here.  I'll be sure to let you know when he finally shows up but it looks like I'm in store for some more waiting. :)

Daniel's Room

So now I figure I better catch up with my posts since it's clear I'm behind on the important things!

I finally finished up Daniel's room over Memorial Day weekend.  We had trouble getting the crib taken care of because the company we bought it from took forever to get us the parts- well we finally gave up and got another crib which just about matches perfectly and we got everything put together.  My step-mom helped me organize everything I'd gotten from the shower and I finally got all the stuff up on the walls :)  So here's some pictures- can't wait for the little guy to get here so we can finally use his room.

 

Thankful Thursday- Drywall!

Hello friends- sorry it's been a bit since I posted last.  Pregnancy and getting ready for the baby has kept me really busy the last several months.  Things are going well and we are right on track for the due date- in 16 days!  I finished up Daniel's room over the memorial day weekend and need to finish up the thank you notes from the baby showers I've had.  That's a whole different post though :)

So today I'm thankful for Drywall- more specifically I'm thankful for a bathroom that's being remodeled.  About a year and a half ago we noticed that there was stuff starting to leach up from a tile in the bathroom near the tub and the toilet---not good.  I decided that I would pull the tile up and try to replace it and see if that would fix it.   When I got the tile up we found water and it just got worse from there.....needless to say the entire bathroom came out all the way to the studs.  We were going to do it ourselves but then things came up and it became evident that we needed to hire someone to get it done before the baby was born.  We had to save the money to do it.....lots of money but we finally got there this last month (while saving for me to be on maternity leave).  It's very exciting because now we'll have a fresh clean bathroom to start off with Daniel and with all the friends and family coming to visit it will be nice to have a fresh clean non-leaking place for them to use the restroom.  We picked out some nice finishes and I'm excited about how everything is going to look :)  We'll finish this and then we have a bathroom in the basement that needs to be redone....fortunately we have time to work on it and it's functioning ok right now (except for the shower) so we'll get by :)

Here's a photo of where things stood this morning and I can't say how impressed I am about how fast they moved yesterday- from studs to this :)

Letters of Intent

My friend Tiffany uses these Letters of Intent from time to time to help get a picture of what's going on in her life in a funny creative way so here's my attempt :).  Of course I'm consumed by baby but work takes a close second right now.

Dear BSF Crib Company-

Please, please, please just send the piece you said you would back in February.  I'm tired of being mean on emails and just want to finish the baby's room sometime before he's born.

Thanks-
Desperate Momma

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Dear Lady on the Elevator,

I'm not sure if you've ever been pregnant but having someone say "Are you sure it isn't two?" doesn't do a whole lot for my self esteem right now.  Please think twice about what you say as it might make someone feel worse than you were intending and may continue to make them feel insecure about how they look. 

Thanks-
Feeling Like a Whale Already

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Dear Time,

Can you please help me understand why I need you to stand still and speed up at the same time?  I'm trying to finish everything I need to for work before I take time off for the baby (need to stand still) and I'm dying to get my body back (need to speed up).  Please email me when you have an answer and I may get back to you in 6-8 weeks or whenever I reach the bottom of my to do list :)

Ready For my Own Personal Assistant

Baby News

I'm late, but I figure better late than never :)

It's been just about two weeks since our 20 week ultrasound.  And just in case you don't follow me on facebook- It's a boy!  I'm so excited to be able to have a pro-noun to attach to this little guy instead of "it" or "the baby".  I was pretty convinced he was going to be a girl but it wouldn't be the first time that I've been wrong about something.   He was pretty cooperative so we got some good pictures of him.

 The more exciting thing is that Jesse and I were able to start talking names.   We wanted to find the right name because there is a lot of pressure to make sure that it was something he can live with and wouldn't get made fun of.  Of course I know kids will take whatever name there is and do something with it but we could at least start with a good one :)

We also had a little bit of pressure from family.  My middle name (Hale) is supposed to be the name of the captain of the boat that brought my family over from England.  It was supposed to be given to the first male grandchild of every generation but my mother bucked tradition and gave it to me.  Despite it being a family name I've never liked it.  I got made fun of for it and have always had to explain what it was and why it was part of my name.  I decided I didn't want to pass it on.

We sifted through lots of names and right now the front runner is Daniel Ellis Keene.  I love the way it sounds.  Daniel means "God is my judge" which is something I want him to carry with him.  The fact that God is the only one that has power to judge is important and if he can remember that he'll avoid a lot of insecurity.   Ellis comes from Jesse's family but is a name that I hope will impart a value that's common to both our families-the value of knowledge and education.  Ellis was Jesse's paternal grandfather.  He was an educator.  We actually have educators all through our family.  My Paternal Grandfather was an engineering professor at University of Michigan, my paternal grandmother was a library, my maternal grandmother was a math teacher.  None of my grandparents had anything below a bachelor's degree and my parents both had at least a masters (my mom has a PhD).  Jesse's dad although not educated beyond high school is an incredibly intelligent man and loves to learn and read.  Because Jesse and I came from this background we both love to learn and read and it's something we want Daniel to carry with him.

I'm still feeling pretty good. I've had a couple of mornings that weren't so fun which has kind of been a surprise.  I wasn't expecting to have morning sickness this late in the pregnancy but I think my pre-natal vitamins might have had something to do with it.  I'm definitely looking pregnant but it's not so bad.  Jesse and I have been working hard to get the house ready for Daniel.  I finally got the futon out of the bedroom we're using for the nursery.  A friend from work bought it and she came and picked it up a couple of weeks ago with her son.  I'm waiting for furniture to get here but once it does we'll be in business and I'll be able to organize things as we pick them up.

Well that's about it.  We're at 22 weeks now- 18 left to go :)

Anticipation!

Can it please be Friday already?  We have our 20 week Ultrasound on Friday afternoon and I'm counting the seconds!  At this Ultrasound it's possible that they can tell us the sex of the baby and I'm hoping that he/she cooperates to show us what pronoun we should be using :)  I hate calling the baby "it".  I have a ton of plans of things that need to get done and I was hoping to find out the sex of the baby so I can crank on getting the nursery done and starting to shop for various things.  I'm such a planner (it's part of my personality), that having to wait is starting to make me nuts :)  Talk to me in June when I'm waiting for Baby Keene to make his/her appearance (I might need to be locked up).  Tick, tick, tick....hopefully time goes fast today :)

Conquering fears!

So if you haven't already guess, this pregnancy thing has me way freaked out!  There's so much to decide and things I never even thought about to make decisions about what I want to do.   This weekend I went to a baby shower and although there was some good discussion it got me freaked out again that I am behind!  All of the thinking about preparation for the baby I hadn't really thought about actually giving birth!  I know that sounds silly but maybe I was trying to block it out because I'm scared?  Women tend to be very helpful, but at the end of the day the decisions that have to be made are about what is best for Jesse, Me and the baby.  This is not very clear what the right way is that drives my accountant driven mind crazy!  I'm so Thankful I have lots of friends who have been down this road before and got some great advice about books to read and placces to go for more information.  I've just got to hang in there and trust that we're on the right road :)  At least if I take a deep breath I'll know I can get through and enjoy what's coming.....Baby Keene!

By the way, Friday of this week we have our big ultrasound and will probably get to find out the sex of the baby.  Needless to say I'm really excited because it will help some of the decisions.

FSNI- Some Results

YAY!  I finally got something done for FSNI.  I got all the cutting done and got some assembly done.  I need to decide on a border, binding and backing, but I think I might wait until we hear about the sex of the baby and I can maybe downplay some of the girliness I was seeing earlier.

Here is everything laid out on the table.

I got all the rows pieced together and some of them put together.  I'll finish tomorrow :)

I had to include a picture of the cat.  Grover helps with supervision :)

Friday Night Sew In! Finally!

YAY!  It's FNSI tonight!  I can't wait.  My house is picked up, my sewing stuff is organized and set to go and I have some cute fabric that I can't wait to tear into.  I'm going to work on a baby blanket.  I'm not sure if it will be for my little one or not.  We don't know the sex yet and this looks a little girly, so if it's not for Baby Keene it will be a great gift for someone else :)

Decisions, Decisions

YAY!  I finally got past my funk from last week.  Thanks for the encouraging words from my friends by the way!  It does mean a lot that people read my blog and understand my temporary freak outs.  

I spent most of my weekend emptying out the extra bedroom in our house which had previously been used as a guest room and my sewing room.  I love to craft!   I've got tons of projects started that I need to finish so this was quite an undertaking.  My Step-Mom, Kathy, came over and helped me sort through all of my stuff and fold all the fabric so it will fit in the space I have available.  I do have some stuff left to move but it's minimal compared to what was there.  Jesse is going to rehang my peg board to hang up my rulers and other tools and then I'll be good to go.  I worked out a deal with this lady I work with to sell the futon in that room so before long I'll have a clean slate, to start putting together a nursery.  We're losing a guestroom, but we only had one guest in the entire time it was set up to be one.  

Now that I have the plan to empty out the baby's room I have to figure out all of the furniture and stuff to make it be a nice place for the baby to start living in.  The decisions are overwhelming!  What kind of crib?  What kind of mattress?  Will you have the baby sleep in a bassinet next to you at first? What kind of theme are you going to have in the nursery? Are you breastfeeding?  Are you going to find out the sex of the baby?  Are you going to work after the baby comes?  Where will he/she go to daycare?  Are you going to use cloth or disposable diapers?   and on and on and on....

I would say that I'm generally pretty good at decision making.  I think things through and I'm logical in my approach, but how will there possibly be enough time to reason through all of these decisions?  Let alone what's coming next.  In cause you can't guess from my posts, becoming a parent generally scares the poop out of me!  There's so much data that says what kind of parent you are determines what kind of kid you will have....That's a lot of pressure!!!  I know I'm not going to be perfect at this but the decisions about all of this are sort of overwhelming me right now.  I'm doing ok just taking one at a time for now, I hope that works after the baby comes :)

I should be more excited, right???

So I'm having a tough day today.  Nobody is causing me to have a tough day but for some reason I'm just sad and restless.  This pregnancy thing is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.  I feel like I've lost total control of my life and my body.  It sounds selfish I know and perhaps this is just me starting to get ready for the baby. 

I'm frustrated because my body makes me sleep all the time....literally last night I came home and ate dinner and then lost 3 hours because I fell asleep on the couch.  Of course one night of that wouldn't bother me but it's been happening for months.  I can't count on ever being able to do anything in the evening because I become narcaleptic.  That's frustrating because I see tons of stuff that needs to be done around the house but I either don't have the energy or the time to get started. 

The other thing that's frustrating me about my body right now is my ever expanding wasteline.  Yes people say a number of things that may or may not be helpful....my favorite this week is "Wow, you're starting to look more and more pregnant."  Why don't you just come up to me and poke me in the belly and say "Wow, you're really packing it on Tub-o!"  I know it's supposed to feel beautiful but I was just starting to get used to my body after dropping 30 lbs and being proud of it.  I'm not ready to head the other direction yet. 

The other thing that's pretty disturbing is how open people are with the bad/disgusting things about having a baby and being a parent.  I seriously don't want to know any more details about how long the needle was from your epidurial or how bad that diaper blow out was the other day.  I'm scared enough about how I'm going to figure out all this without you making it sound like I just won an all expense paid trip to jail. 

The last thing that's bugging me is how we're going to afford a kid.  I seriously can't figure out how my parents did it with two kids.  How did they afford daycare and all the other things they provided for us without gonig bankrupt?  I can't figure it out right now and I wish I could.  I'm an accountant for goodness sake and budgeting for the next year seems impossible right now. 

I know I should be excited and ready for the baby to come right now but I'm not.  I want a little more control over my situation and my life (for at least a little while).  I'm hoping that this changes soon.