Processing things- the C-Section

So between the breast feeding and the pumping I've had a lot of time to sit and process my thoughts/feelings over the last few weeks.  Having a C-section was the very last thing that I wanted as I headed into this experience.  I had read and thought and really pumped up my fears related to a C-section.  It was the very last thing I wanted!  I have been having some feelings that I just need to process and talk about so here goes.

• I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of failure.  How could I not do what my body was made to do?  I was supposed to be able to deliver a baby vaginally.  It was what we had gone to class for and prepared for.  Instead it seems like I took the "easy way out".  It seems irrational I know- as major surgery surely isn't easy.  I feel like maybe I did something wrong though.  Was the decision to induce wrong?  Did I eat something wrong, not exercise enough?  Why did I end up how I did?

• I'm feeling sad that I'll probably never get a chance to have a vaginal birth.  From what I understand once you have a C-section, you always have to have C-sections because of the risk of bleeding from the scar tissue in the uterus.  I feel like I lost something I was really looking forward to.  Not to mention it comes across like a badge of honor having been through a vaginal birth.  You hear women talk abut their experiences like it's a weight lifting contest- "I had a 9 lb baby and did it with no epidural, I pushed for 10 hours"....Really?  I am starting to realize that the badge of honor should come from how you raise the child to adulthood, not how your particular physiology got the baby here.  It does take a lot of work to grow a child in your womb and give birth (even by C-section).  What really matters is what kind of mother you are for the long haul.

• I'm feeling a bit like I might be judged for making the decisions I did.  There's lots of folks out there with plenty to say about induction, C-sections, breastfeeding etc. As close to the birth as the night we checked into the hospital, I had someone send me an article about how induction isn't always necessary and it leads to higher C-section rates.  The fact of the matter is, I induced because I was miserable and fluid overloaded.  My knees, back, emotions, etc couldn't handle being pregnant anymore.  I let him stay in me for 41 weeks.  I wanted to see him and be done with being pregnant.  I didn't choose to have surgery but given that his head was larger than average, I don't have a larger pelvis than average and that his cord was wrapped around his mid-section and neck, I did what was best for us both.  

• The last thing that I've been processing through is that I'm very sad I wasn't the first one to hold Daniel.  There's something about being the first person to hold him and talk to him that I wanted more than anything.  I had carried him with me for 41 weeks, been scared at times and amazed at times at what was happening to me and to him.  I didn't get that with the C-section (it wasn't possible).  I'm glad that Jesse was the only one that held him before me if I couldn't be there but I'm grieving that experience a little bit.   I'm hoping over time it will heal but at this point I'm so said that I wasn't the first.

Well I'm sure if you made it to the end of this post your probably either nodding your head because you might understand what I'm saying or you think I'm nuts.  I just needed to get it on "paper" so I could deal with it.  I'm hoping that over time some of these things won't make me sad/upset/angry but I needed to figure out a way to deal with it.

Conquering fears!

So if you haven't already guess, this pregnancy thing has me way freaked out!  There's so much to decide and things I never even thought about to make decisions about what I want to do.   This weekend I went to a baby shower and although there was some good discussion it got me freaked out again that I am behind!  All of the thinking about preparation for the baby I hadn't really thought about actually giving birth!  I know that sounds silly but maybe I was trying to block it out because I'm scared?  Women tend to be very helpful, but at the end of the day the decisions that have to be made are about what is best for Jesse, Me and the baby.  This is not very clear what the right way is that drives my accountant driven mind crazy!  I'm so Thankful I have lots of friends who have been down this road before and got some great advice about books to read and placces to go for more information.  I've just got to hang in there and trust that we're on the right road :)  At least if I take a deep breath I'll know I can get through and enjoy what's coming.....Baby Keene!

By the way, Friday of this week we have our big ultrasound and will probably get to find out the sex of the baby.  Needless to say I'm really excited because it will help some of the decisions.

Decisions, Decisions

YAY!  I finally got past my funk from last week.  Thanks for the encouraging words from my friends by the way!  It does mean a lot that people read my blog and understand my temporary freak outs.  

I spent most of my weekend emptying out the extra bedroom in our house which had previously been used as a guest room and my sewing room.  I love to craft!   I've got tons of projects started that I need to finish so this was quite an undertaking.  My Step-Mom, Kathy, came over and helped me sort through all of my stuff and fold all the fabric so it will fit in the space I have available.  I do have some stuff left to move but it's minimal compared to what was there.  Jesse is going to rehang my peg board to hang up my rulers and other tools and then I'll be good to go.  I worked out a deal with this lady I work with to sell the futon in that room so before long I'll have a clean slate, to start putting together a nursery.  We're losing a guestroom, but we only had one guest in the entire time it was set up to be one.  

Now that I have the plan to empty out the baby's room I have to figure out all of the furniture and stuff to make it be a nice place for the baby to start living in.  The decisions are overwhelming!  What kind of crib?  What kind of mattress?  Will you have the baby sleep in a bassinet next to you at first? What kind of theme are you going to have in the nursery? Are you breastfeeding?  Are you going to find out the sex of the baby?  Are you going to work after the baby comes?  Where will he/she go to daycare?  Are you going to use cloth or disposable diapers?   and on and on and on....

I would say that I'm generally pretty good at decision making.  I think things through and I'm logical in my approach, but how will there possibly be enough time to reason through all of these decisions?  Let alone what's coming next.  In cause you can't guess from my posts, becoming a parent generally scares the poop out of me!  There's so much data that says what kind of parent you are determines what kind of kid you will have....That's a lot of pressure!!!  I know I'm not going to be perfect at this but the decisions about all of this are sort of overwhelming me right now.  I'm doing ok just taking one at a time for now, I hope that works after the baby comes :)

I should be more excited, right???

So I'm having a tough day today.  Nobody is causing me to have a tough day but for some reason I'm just sad and restless.  This pregnancy thing is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.  I feel like I've lost total control of my life and my body.  It sounds selfish I know and perhaps this is just me starting to get ready for the baby. 

I'm frustrated because my body makes me sleep all the time....literally last night I came home and ate dinner and then lost 3 hours because I fell asleep on the couch.  Of course one night of that wouldn't bother me but it's been happening for months.  I can't count on ever being able to do anything in the evening because I become narcaleptic.  That's frustrating because I see tons of stuff that needs to be done around the house but I either don't have the energy or the time to get started. 

The other thing that's frustrating me about my body right now is my ever expanding wasteline.  Yes people say a number of things that may or may not be helpful....my favorite this week is "Wow, you're starting to look more and more pregnant."  Why don't you just come up to me and poke me in the belly and say "Wow, you're really packing it on Tub-o!"  I know it's supposed to feel beautiful but I was just starting to get used to my body after dropping 30 lbs and being proud of it.  I'm not ready to head the other direction yet. 

The other thing that's pretty disturbing is how open people are with the bad/disgusting things about having a baby and being a parent.  I seriously don't want to know any more details about how long the needle was from your epidurial or how bad that diaper blow out was the other day.  I'm scared enough about how I'm going to figure out all this without you making it sound like I just won an all expense paid trip to jail. 

The last thing that's bugging me is how we're going to afford a kid.  I seriously can't figure out how my parents did it with two kids.  How did they afford daycare and all the other things they provided for us without gonig bankrupt?  I can't figure it out right now and I wish I could.  I'm an accountant for goodness sake and budgeting for the next year seems impossible right now. 

I know I should be excited and ready for the baby to come right now but I'm not.  I want a little more control over my situation and my life (for at least a little while).  I'm hoping that this changes soon.

Life Changing Couple of Months

I'm kind of at a loss as to where to start, so I'll just throw the big thing out there.  I'm Pregnant!  Back in Mid-October I had an ear infection and was at the Dr.  I changed jobs back in August and now I'm working for a large combination insurance and healthcare provider.  I was getting asked a lot of questions including when my last cycle was.  I told the nurse and she said "you couldn't be pregnant could you?".  I of course poo-pooed it but then the wheels started turning.  A couple of days later my period still hadn't come so I decided to take a test.  So at 4:30 in the morning I was up and took the test.   My cycle has never been regular so I fully expected it to come back negative.   Well boy was I surprised!!  There were two lines on the test.  It took me a minute to process what the heck that meant (I had to look at the box to double check).  I went back upstairs to talk to Jesse (my husband).  I had to wake him up and turn on the light.  I told him that I was pregnant and we sat there for a while taking in the news together.  Our life was going to change big time!

The last six weeks have been crazy.  We've had two doctors appointments, seen the heartbeat, seen a clearer picture including a fully formed head :)  I haven't been sick much but I sleep all the time!  It makes me crazy because I walk around our house and see all of the things we need to do to get ready for the baby but I can't seem to get up the energy to even get started.   We did find out that my due date is June 18 so we have a while but I am the type that likes to get things settled fairly quickly.  I go through waves of panic and worry about how we're going to pay for everything (including daycare) but I'm trusting that everything will work out.

Anyway, things are going to change but we're so excited to welcome our new addition :)

When are you gonna have kids?

Mother's day was yesterday and we didn't do anything really.  We had dinner with my Dad and Step-Mom Saturday night but other than that it was a fairly chill weekend.  I had sort of mixed emotions as I really do love my mother but I don't really like her that much so I gathered myself up enough to get a card and get it mailed to her eariler in the week.  I had to look really hard for one that didn't say something I didn't think  or mean.  I have mixed feelings about what it means to be a mother.  I know it's possible for someone to be a good mother but it's not a natural thing to me. 

My parents saw this movie over the weekend called "Babies" which was apparently the view of four different babies on four different continents in the style of a nature video.  They spent quite a long time talking about this movie and I sorta started to get it.   In their not-so-subtle way they are ready for grandchildren.  

Today at work I was making polite conversation with the receptionist who has two small children.  I asked her how her Mother's Day was and she said fine.  The very next sentance was "When are you going to have kids?"  

Here's the rant....why is it anyone's business??  More importantly do they know it makes me feel about an inch tall when they reduce me to my ability to have children?  I want kids and I want so much to experience the love I've heard that people (normal people anyway) have for their kids.  I just don't want to bring that up in polite coversation.  I'm not really sure why but this is sort of a hot button for me.   I am trying on my own to trust that God is going to take care of me and have us be pregnant when He wants us to be.   It's not helpful to have people fire off that question just to make conversation....can we please just talk about the weather?

Baby on the Brain

I've been thinking about this post for a while, debating whether or not I should even put it up, but I'm going to be bold.   I'm ready for kids...at least I think!  Every where I go I keep noticing kids (especially babies) to the point of almost obsession.  It seems like every friend I know is either pregnant or just had a baby.   Even ones where there have been an especially long road getting there.   I can't help but think...when's it going to be my turn?  It's not like we've been trying hard to get pregnant or that even my husband is 100% ready for it but I'm not patient.    I know this about myself and I working on it.  It's hard to look around and realize that in a little bit less than 3 months I will be 30...not that this is especially old or prevents me from having kids but my mind runs away and I just picture making it to 40 and beyond and still just being in the same place with no kids and working.  I love my life for the most part but, I have a great husband, job, nice house, pets that love me, good relationships with my family, but I just can't help but think I'm missing something.   Is it wrong to be longing after something like this?  I've seen my friends set their heart before the Lord about this and somehow it always works out.....Am I not doing that?  I just wish I knew what to do to move on with my life, either to have a child or to have the desire leave.  I'm sort of rambling now but I needed to say this.