So between the breast feeding and the pumping I've had a lot of time to sit and process my thoughts/feelings over the last few weeks. Having a C-section was the very last thing that I wanted as I headed into this experience. I had read and thought and really pumped up my fears related to a C-section. It was the very last thing I wanted! I have been having some feelings that I just need to process and talk about so here goes.
- I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of failure. How could I not do what my body was made to do? I was supposed to be able to deliver a baby vaginally. It was what we had gone to class for and prepared for. Instead it seems like I took the "easy way out". It seems irrational I know- as major surgery surely isn't easy. I feel like maybe I did something wrong though. Was the decision to induce wrong? Did I eat something wrong, not exercise enough? Why did I end up how I did?
- I'm feeling sad that I'll probably never get a chance to have a vaginal birth. From what I understand once you have a C-section, you always have to have C-sections because of the risk of bleeding from the scar tissue in the uterus. I feel like I lost something I was really looking forward to. Not to mention it comes across like a badge of honor having been through a vaginal birth. You hear women talk abut their experiences like it's a weight lifting contest- "I had a 9 lb baby and did it with no epidural, I pushed for 10 hours"....Really? I am starting to realize that the badge of honor should come from how you raise the child to adulthood, not how your particular physiology got the baby here. It does take a lot of work to grow a child in your womb and give birth (even by C-section). What really matters is what kind of mother you are for the long haul.
- I'm feeling a bit like I might be judged for making the decisions I did. There's lots of folks out there with plenty to say about induction, C-sections, breastfeeding etc. As close to the birth as the night we checked into the hospital, I had someone send me an article about how induction isn't always necessary and it leads to higher C-section rates. The fact of the matter is, I induced because I was miserable and fluid overloaded. My knees, back, emotions, etc couldn't handle being pregnant anymore. I let him stay in me for 41 weeks. I wanted to see him and be done with being pregnant. I didn't choose to have surgery but given that his head was larger than average, I don't have a larger pelvis than average and that his cord was wrapped around his mid-section and neck, I did what was best for us both.
- The last thing that I've been processing through is that I'm very sad I wasn't the first one to hold Daniel. There's something about being the first person to hold him and talk to him that I wanted more than anything. I had carried him with me for 41 weeks, been scared at times and amazed at times at what was happening to me and to him. I didn't get that with the C-section (it wasn't possible). I'm glad that Jesse was the only one that held him before me if I couldn't be there but I'm grieving that experience a little bit. I'm hoping over time it will heal but at this point I'm so said that I wasn't the first.
Well I'm sure if you made it to the end of this post your probably either nodding your head because you might understand what I'm saying or you think I'm nuts. I just needed to get it on "paper" so I could deal with it. I'm hoping that over time some of these things won't make me sad/upset/angry but I needed to figure out a way to deal with it.
4 comments:
First, I hope you don't mind that I'm leaving a comment but I saw your blog via Facebook and I love blogs. :)
I love reading birth stories! It's so neat to read about other peoples' experiences and emotions. Having had two babies it never ceases to amaze me how alike and yet how different each person's experience is. I'm so sorry that you feel like a failure because you had a c-section. You are FAR from that; your body nourished and protected another person! That's so amazing! And a c-section definitely isn't the easy way out! With that said, I think it's normal to be disappointed but hopefully when some of the rawness of having one fades a little you'll have more good memories then bad ones. Also, one c-section doesn't preclude having a vaginal birth with your next baby (if you guys decide to have one). VBACs can be very safe and a lot of doctors and Certified Nurse Midwives are very supportive depending on why you initially had a c-section and the type of incision. So, if it's really important to you, definitely look around for a provider who can help with that.
Daniel is sure a beautiful little boy and I'm certain that you and Jesse are excellent parents. :)
Maggie
Jess-
You did what you thought was best for you and Daniel and that is all that matters. You are right about the badge of honor being for how you raise a child not for your birth story, because as hard as birth (vaginal, c-section, and adoption) is it is harder to raise them. I was induced with both Anna and Benen and with Benen it was my choice to do it - so do not feel bad about that choice. There are also some doctors that will let you have what is called a Vbac (a vaginal birth after a c-section) so do not totally close that door unless you want to. Also know that all of those thoughts get easier - you have a lot of hormone changes right now and not a lot sleep to go with it - give herself some time. But keep talking about them. Love you!
First of all, I am SO stinking happy I got to see you this weekend! Hugging both you and Jesse, and holding sweet little Daniel just made my week.
Second of all, I am proud of you. You made a choice that, at the time, was the best choice for both you and Daniel. I have had to deal with many of the same emotions - I understand what you are feeling. Those feelings are ok. Please give yourself time and extra grace for a while. You have been through A LOT!
You will have many choices when you are ready to have another child, like the other commenters mentioned. And none of those decisions have to be made now. Just snuggle that precious bundle of joy and know that I am praying for you!
You know came here looking for the FNSI results and ended up reading your blog. Let me tell ya, I live in Colorado too and I had two sons by C-section. I went through the labor and pushing with both of them but,(long story short) I was just to small. Your braver than me, I choose anthesia. No way was I having an epidural. LOL
Here's the thing, I couldn't vaginally deliver, C-Section was the best way to go. It was the way to give them life. My grandmother lost 3 children before my dad. He was a C-section baby. I don't think C-sections were something they were doing before him. I thank God for the fact doctors have that option to give women.
Back to the point, don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong but everything right. I know how you feel, I didn't see my sons until I woke up but I have vivid memories of every moment after.
Post a Comment