Processing things- the C-Section

So between the breast feeding and the pumping I've had a lot of time to sit and process my thoughts/feelings over the last few weeks.  Having a C-section was the very last thing that I wanted as I headed into this experience.  I had read and thought and really pumped up my fears related to a C-section.  It was the very last thing I wanted!  I have been having some feelings that I just need to process and talk about so here goes.

• I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of failure.  How could I not do what my body was made to do?  I was supposed to be able to deliver a baby vaginally.  It was what we had gone to class for and prepared for.  Instead it seems like I took the "easy way out".  It seems irrational I know- as major surgery surely isn't easy.  I feel like maybe I did something wrong though.  Was the decision to induce wrong?  Did I eat something wrong, not exercise enough?  Why did I end up how I did?

• I'm feeling sad that I'll probably never get a chance to have a vaginal birth.  From what I understand once you have a C-section, you always have to have C-sections because of the risk of bleeding from the scar tissue in the uterus.  I feel like I lost something I was really looking forward to.  Not to mention it comes across like a badge of honor having been through a vaginal birth.  You hear women talk abut their experiences like it's a weight lifting contest- "I had a 9 lb baby and did it with no epidural, I pushed for 10 hours"....Really?  I am starting to realize that the badge of honor should come from how you raise the child to adulthood, not how your particular physiology got the baby here.  It does take a lot of work to grow a child in your womb and give birth (even by C-section).  What really matters is what kind of mother you are for the long haul.

• I'm feeling a bit like I might be judged for making the decisions I did.  There's lots of folks out there with plenty to say about induction, C-sections, breastfeeding etc. As close to the birth as the night we checked into the hospital, I had someone send me an article about how induction isn't always necessary and it leads to higher C-section rates.  The fact of the matter is, I induced because I was miserable and fluid overloaded.  My knees, back, emotions, etc couldn't handle being pregnant anymore.  I let him stay in me for 41 weeks.  I wanted to see him and be done with being pregnant.  I didn't choose to have surgery but given that his head was larger than average, I don't have a larger pelvis than average and that his cord was wrapped around his mid-section and neck, I did what was best for us both.  

• The last thing that I've been processing through is that I'm very sad I wasn't the first one to hold Daniel.  There's something about being the first person to hold him and talk to him that I wanted more than anything.  I had carried him with me for 41 weeks, been scared at times and amazed at times at what was happening to me and to him.  I didn't get that with the C-section (it wasn't possible).  I'm glad that Jesse was the only one that held him before me if I couldn't be there but I'm grieving that experience a little bit.   I'm hoping over time it will heal but at this point I'm so said that I wasn't the first.

Well I'm sure if you made it to the end of this post your probably either nodding your head because you might understand what I'm saying or you think I'm nuts.  I just needed to get it on "paper" so I could deal with it.  I'm hoping that over time some of these things won't make me sad/upset/angry but I needed to figure out a way to deal with it.

Daniel's Birth Story- Part II

So continuing on from the last post.....

Overnight I had another dose of the Cervadil and they monitored me off and on every two hours, so it wasn't exactly restful.   The nurse did take pity on me and offered me some crackers, peanut butter and apple juice.  I was thankful to have it because I thought I was in for a really long day and I couldn't imagine how hungry I was going to be (given that I was already hungry just from being there overnight).

I woke Jesse up at about 5 am to watch the sunrise with me (did I mention the room had an amazing view of the mountains?)  We hung out together for a while.  Contractions were starting to get stronger but they weren't unbearable.  We started a game of cribbage (which I was re-teaching Jesse how to play after not playing it for a long time- because I'm a bad loser ;) ).  We were also listening to some music. We had a Pandora station going on the Iphones that was soundtrack music.  At one point Jesse had the march from Star Wars playing and was making jokes about having them play that as they were moving us from the Delivery Room to recovery- gotta love my husband's sense of humor.  My parents got there

Right in the middle of the game the Nurse shift change happened at 7 am. Our new nurse was named Sara.  She was a very nice lady (seemed really young) but she did a great job.  We were sitting there and the contractions starting getting more intense and closer together.  I couldn't concentrate on the cribbage game anymore.  All the sudden I had to throw up and I was regretting those crackers and peanut butter.  Jesse was great- he held my hair and got me a cool rag to put on my neck.  At that point I was contemplating the Epidural because it was just so painful!  When I threw up again I told the nurse that I wanted the Epidural!  She called the Anesthesiologist and while we were waiting she checked me.  I was at 5 cm- so there was progress being made :)  I was excited about that but hoping the Epidural would make things a little more bearable.  While all this was going on I kept feeling like my water had broken (like maybe a little trickle of something).  I got up to go to the bathroom and there was some pinkish fluid.  When the nurse checked it hadn't broken.  When the Anesthesiologist got there I threw up again- bleh!  He got the consent ready for me to sign (I hate to say this but I didn't read it before I signed- that makes me crazy!)  After that we needed to get me positioned to have the Epidural put in.  I stood up and my water broke all over the floor, the nurse's shoes, pants etc....It was way more fluid than I would have imagined!  It took a lot of towels to mop up- Ew!  It made me glad it happened there though and not in my car or at work like I was afraid of.  The one towel I had on the seat of my car wouldn't have cut it :)   After that Epidural went in and things were better almost immediately.

After all of  that I was relegated to the bed and they had to put in a catheter- not a pleasant experience....but necessary I suppose.  The contractions were getting harder and closer together.  The nurse started acting concerned because they were so strong and so close together.  The Dr had changed over night now to a man as well.  He seemed nice enough although generally I prefer to have women Drs.  At this point the contractions were really strong and the Epidural wasn't getting all of the pain anymore- I had one muscle in my back that hurt a lot!  Jesse rubbed my back and held my hand, but I was still in a lot of pain.  The Anesthesiologist came back a couple of times to adjust the medication but it still didn't cut it.

The other Dr sudden came into the room and was watching the monitors really closely.  The decided they needed to put in an internal monitor for both me and Daniel.  After the monitor went in they were able to get a better read on how strong the contractions actually were and how Daniel was tolerating everything.  After monitring for a little while they noticed that the contractions were making Daniel's heart rate decrease- ALOT  and they weren't giving him much time in between to recover.  After that they decided they would put back some of the fluid I had lost (Saline) back into my Uterus to give him a little bit of cushion to tolerate the contractions better.  After a few minutes of monitoring after that, Daniel's heart rate was still decreasing to almost below 60 with each contraction.  The Dr. looked at me and said that we should start discussing the possibility of a C-section.  Although it scared me and it wasn't what I had wanted I thought we needed to do it, just because it was becoming really scary.  They went ahead and had me sign consents for everything- again no chance to read anything and that drives me nuts but what could I do?

In the next several minutes they had Jesse putting on scrubs and they were doing a lot of stuff to get me transfered to the operating room.  Kathy (my Step-Mom) held my hand the whole time.  I was starting to cry because I was so scared....I didn't want surgery- this wasn't what I wanted...but I couldn't see another choice.  They rolled me out of the room and all I could think was where is Jesse?  Why am I going down the hall without Jesse?

We went into the Operating room and they transferred me to the table- which was a really strange sensation.  I had never been in the hospital before and now I was going to have major surgery!  I was really nervous.   When they finally got everything started Jesse was allowed to come into the room and sit on a stool next to me.  He had his phone with him and he showed me pictures of our pets and talked to me.  I was so glad he was there.

Then sudden we heard the most beautiful sound- Daniel's cry :)  I started crying and Jesse started crying....he was here finally!  Jesse went over to the warming table and was with him.  I couldn't see very well what was happening because the drape was in the way.  Somewhere in there Jesse left with the baby when they took him to the other room and cleaned him up.

The Anthesiologist told me I should try and get some sleep while they finished up the surgery.  He made a joke that I probably wouldn't be getting much sleep for the next 4 or 5 years so I should enjoy this little nap :)  He was a pretty nice guy and it made the waiting and uncertainty a little easier.   They finally finsihed the surgery and moved me over to a bed.  That was a little uncomfortable because I had no feeling but felt like I was going to fall.....very weird.

I was in recovery and finally got to hold Daniel and see Jesse again.  It was a perfect time.  We tried breast feeding and Daniel did ok with it.  I remember it being so peaceful which made me happy.

Anyway, that's my story.  Here's some pictures.  We were in the hospital until Wednesday and then went home....there will be plenty of posts to follow and hopefully they won't take me nearly as long to get up as this one :)

Daniel's Birth Story- Part I

Well he's here!  Daniel Ellis Keene was born June 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm.  He was 8 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches long.  He's perfect!  He got a lot of Jesse's mannerism and his checks.  He's got my nose. And of all things Blue eyes! (Jesse and I have brown eyes so we're not sure where they came from).  I know it's been more than a week but I've been recovering from a C-section and trying to get used to being Daniel's Mom (still makes me grin every time I say it :) ).  I wanted to get his birth story down some place he could read it down the road :), so here we go.

As you can see from earlier posts I was about a week overdue (40 weeks and 3 days).  I was extremely uncomfortable and ready to be done being pregnant.  In previous Dr visits I had been 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced and so I was hopeful that the visit on the Tuesday after my due date that I would have made some more progress.  Jesse and I went to the appointment in the afternoon and I saw a Dr I hadn't seen before.  When she checked me again nothing had changed.  I sat up from the exam and started bawling!  How could this be!  I had been contracting a little bit at home and I resembled a whale!  I couldn't possibly be pregnant longer!  The Dr felt really bad for me, I think and told me I wouldn't be pregnant very much longer.  I was still pretty upset but at least we could do something about it.  We did some additional testing in the Dr's office to make sure he was moving well and had plenty of fluid around him.  Everything checked out ok so the Dr came back with an appointment for us at the hospital to check in Saturday evening to be induced.   We walked away feeling very relieved Knowing this was going to be over soon and knowing we had a date we would meet our son was the best feeling! I had been working from home the past week and a half and was excited that I finally had an end to that as well.  Although people meant well it was frustrating to keep having folks ask every time I logged on if we had a baby yet.  Umm....if I had had the baby would I really be logged in?

So Saturday we made the best of our last day before we became parents.  We slept in a little bit.  We had a good breakfast (Eggs, Bacon, the works :) ).  Then we went out to a movie.  Jesse and I enjoy going to movies and wanted to make sure we did that one last time before we had this new person to take care of.  We saw bridesmaids (which was a pretty raunchy comedy) and it was fun :)  We came home after that and then I rested for a while.  My friends had all told me that I should sleep as much as possible because I was going to be really tired after we were all said and done.  Jesse made his spaghetti for dinner which was excellent :) and we ate together and really enjoyed the last little while as a family of two.

After we were done with dinner we each got a shower and organized the rest of the stuff we needed to take with us to the hospital.  I totally overpacked but that's my nature- I just didn't want to be without something I might need or want when I was stressed out.  We spent some time with the dog in the backyard and made sure all the animals had what they needed for at least overnight.  We got everything loaded in the car and got ready to go.  We stopped at Starbucks (for Jesse) on our way out.  The woman at the drive-through was really nice.  She asked us what we were up to and we told her that we were on our way to the hospital to have a baby :)  At first she was a little confused but when we explained we were going to be induced.  She laughed and gave us a coupon for a free drink later on.  That was kind of fun :)  As we drove up to the hospital we reflected on how things were about to change.  We were going to be parents!

When we finally got to the hospital we went up to the third floor and got buzzed in (it's a locked unit for security) right on time for our 8 pm appointment.   The walk down the hall to Room #6 seemed like it took forever.  We were carrying all of our stuff and they got us all set up.  The room had a beautiful view of the mountains as the sun was setting.  I changed into the hospital gown and they started getting me set up.  They put in an IV which was new for me as I had never been in the hospital before.  I they had a little bit of trouble getting it started in my left arm (which was where I wanted them to put it).  The veins kept "clamping down" for them after they got through my skin.  I got a pretty ugly looking bruise on my left arm (which is still healing).  They also put me on a monitor that was looking at the baby's heart rate and my contractions.  Everything looked great.  The Dr. came in and gave us all the particulars about the medication I was going to get to and talk abut the risks of induction.  She did say that I had an increased risk of C-section but I guess that didn't register with me because I just wanted the baby to come...plus even if we had decided to wait there was no guarantee  that things would start well on their own in a time that would be good for the baby.
They checked my cervix (still only at 1 cm- no progress after three weeks!!) and administered Cervidil which was supposed to soften my cervix and hopefully get some good productive contractions going.
We settled in for the evening and watched a movie together and also got a little bit of sleep- although the nurse had to keep coming in and checking the monitor and giving medication and taking my vitals so it wasn't the most relaxing time I've ever had...but that's ok.

Ok- I think I'm going to break this post into a couple of parts because this is getting long- so more to come soon :)